“Oh Jess, you made it! Great! And let me just say that I absolutely L-O-V-E your costume: you’re a slutty acorn, right?”
“Jess, body shots?”
“No, no, no not like that. You take the shot, lick the salt, then suck the lime. Well clearly, you don’t know.”
“Yeah, of course I’m in a Frat. ΔAΔ. Which sorority you in? Oh, you’re not? You think you’re not hot enough or something?”
“Oh my God! No way. My aunt’s neighbor’s daughter is vegan, too. So brave—those poor animals suffer so we can eat burgers. Pita—the bread? Hahaha, I don’t get it, but okay. Oh no, I haven’t really considered it. I just like meat too much. Speaking of, you see that Greek god over there? I’m gonna suck his dick tonight. He’s a ΔAΔ.”
“You know, acorns can only do their thing when they’re wet right? You trying to get wet?”
“Want some blow?”
“The best part of trail mix is the raisins.”
“What’s your name? What? WHAT? Can’t hear fuckin’ shit in here. Oh, Tess. Nice to meet you, Tess. You got any friends?”
“Oh what am I? I’m homeless. Just kinda snuck in here for the booze, to be honest. You won’t tell?”
“That’s what I’m saying! Why are we spending all this money on space when it just disintegrates over Texas when it comes back to Earth, killing everyone? Like there are big problems down here too. Like Iraq—fuckin’ Saddam. Couldn’t that shuttle money go to Iraq? Less space money, more practical money. Yeah, exactly. Isn’t it the A-bomb, not H-? That guy just died? No kidding. He was an American hero though.”
“This is my signature drink: the XXX-Hard Lemonade.”
“I’d love to plant and fertilize you, Ms. Acorn. Wait, where are you going? Can’t you take a fucking joke? Ah, forget you anyway.”
“What do you think of this mermaid tattoo I got? Pretty cool, right? I thought she’d look better topless, you know? It hurt a lot. I know you didn’t ask, but it hurt. What’s up your acorn ass?”
“Veganism is unnatural; therefore, veganism is immoral. What’s not to get? You see these canines, hun? They’re for meat. So what if guns aren’t natural? That’s what the Second Amendment is for babe.”