Saturday, Thirteenth of September
Request #1
Professor Snape wanted to show a video on the projector for his Saturday lab class. Unfortunately, today is Saturday and is therefore the Sabbath. It was forbidden for him to press the ‘On’ button. Bill Jenkins (author and currently on call) was dispatched and set up the projector. No further requests from Professor Snape. This request was closed at 8:42 AM.
Request #2
Professor Hagrid was having Wifi issues in his hut located approx. 1.53 km away from the castle grounds. Professor Hagrid complained of a weak signal. We told him he should expect it to be weak since this generation of routers sacrifice signal range for a higher bandwidth. He told Bill Jenkins that he’d shove “[Jenkins note: one of the big forest spider] up yar arse.” This request was closed at 11:23 AM.
Request #3
Professor McGonagall sent an owl to the Hogwarts IT department asking for immediate and ‘discrete’ assistance. Bill Jenkins went to her office. She was (presumably) in cat form and hiding in the rafters (but I could still see her) because she was (perhaps) embarrassed. There was a note on her desk explaining what had occurred. I paraphrase as follows:
Mr. Hogwarts IT Person, Sir,
I was grading assignments when my browser suddenly went to an illicit website [Jenkins note: it was the well-known pornographic website “Dirty Hog-Warts”] when it decided to freeze. The screen—as you surely can see—shows an image that is completely inappropriate. [Jenkins note (for context): the Dirty Hog-Warts search bar in the upper-left-hand corner said “professor quidditch star glasses broomstick”.] If you could resolve this issue discretely I would appreciate it greatly.
—Professor McGonagall.
Bill Jenkins’ professional opinion here: I’m not saying Professor McGonagall was lying, but this was the classic ‘try to Obliviate the browser history but actually freeze the computer’ situation that we encounter with many students here at the school. Implemented Protocol 1412 to reboot the computer. This request was closed at 11:44 PM.