KRXP
Welcome back to 103.9 KRXP. We’re taking calls to discuss the new scientific paper that just shocked the world. If these results hold up, a Nobel Prize is all but guaranteed the Reddit forum r/Science says. Published in the prestigious, peer-reviewed scientific journal Nature, it is titled: “Atmospheric Pollution Highly Correlated in Time with a Near-Exponential Reduction in Phallic Length” from researchers at the University of California and Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory. Caller #1, you’re up first and you’re on the air!
Caller #1
So I didn’t go to no fancy university or nothing, and the only liver laboratory I studied is this here flask, but that there science paper is saying that them city boys got some tiny peckers, right? Well, hell. Didn’t everyone know that already? I got me three mistresses with city boyfriends that all say the same thing when they ride on this here tractor. Yeehaw!
KRXP
Alright…Caller #2! What are your thoughts?
Caller #2
Hi. Can you hear me?
KRXP
Yes ma’am. Who’s this?
Caller #2
Oh okay, good. Well, let’s just say my name is Mindy Lou. I don’t want my husband to hear about this. Anyway, I think that science finally figured out why all the men here in L.A. are so…disappointing. Like we moved here just last month, and there was such a noticeable, umm, difference with my husband basically immediately. But it isn’t just him, it’s everyone here!
KRXP
We only have time for a few more calls now. Caller #3, what are your thoughts on all this penis shrinkage that’s happening, not only across this great country but across the whole world?
Caller #3
Now listen here, I’ve dealt with my fair share of pricks—big and small if you know what I mean. And now them big-brained California chemists or whatever go on confirming that God capital-B Blessed me when he made me a full-on dyke, if you know what I mean. Pussy Power! If you get—
KRXP
Oka-a-a-y. We’re sorry about that folks. KRXP is all for P—uh, Rainbow Power. We’re just not okay with language like that. So let’s try and end on a good note now, and take one last caller from Belview, Mississippi. You’re on the air!
Last Caller
Not gonna lie man, I’m pretty nervous. But like shouldn’t the government do something?
KRXP
What do you mean, sir?
Last Caller
Like, shouldn’t they start pollutin’ the air with penis enhancin’ chemicals to undo all the chemtrails that gave me an extra testicle and made my foreskin fall off and gave me a tiny PP?
KRXP
Okay folks, I think that’s going to just about do it. Actually, my producer just told me some breaking news. The United Nations is calling an emergency meeting to reduce all atmospheric pollution by 2022, citing “unimaginable horrors descending on 90% of 49.8% of the world’s population”. Stay tuned to hear more on this. Now, Ariana Grande’s latest hit God is a woman is up next.