“I already got you some tea. It’s mint. Careful though, it’s hot.”
“Oh, you remembered! Thank you…. So, how’ve you been? Last time we saw each other was when we did that panel, right?”
“Yeah, I think so. That probably was it. Yeah. What about you? Seems like you’ve been doing well.”
“Yeah, I’ve been good.”
“Your mom and brother doing better?”
“Can we not talk about that, actually? Don’t really feel like going into it.”
“Sorry. I shouldn’t’ve—”
“It’s okay.”
“Okay…. I’m glad we’re doing this though. Catching up. This is a nice café—it’s cute; I’m glad you picked it. I’ll have to come here again.”
“You should. But shush about it. I don’t want too many other people finding out about this place.”
“Deal.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“What question?”
“How’ve you been?”
“Honestly?”
“Why else would I ask?”
“I don’t know. Most people just use that as a way to get the conversation going. It’s always awkward at first.”
“Well, I don’t.”
“But did you honestly tell me how you felt?”
“Yes.”
“But not completely. What is that called? A lie by omission?”
“I don’t want to bicker. I just want to hear how you’ve been—how you’ve honestly been.”
“Alright, sure. It might be hard for you to hear. Is that okay?”
“Sure.”
“Honestly, I think I’m just now leaving a two-year period of my life when I was utterly and truly hoping to die. It’s not that I wanted to kill myself or anything, though I did think about it often. It’s just that in every quiet moment, my head would spring up with thoughts where I’d think that a catastrophic car crash or an incurable illness wouldn’t be, you know, unwholly welcome. I don’t know if that makes sense. You know, the more I hear myself talk out loud about this, maybe I was suicidal after all. But I’m in a better place now. Especially since I stopped drinking after, you know, we broke up. And now I can even see the other side. Now, what is on that other side, I do not know. But I can see it, and it looks much brighter, and warm. I’m just hoping it’s not the light playing tricks on me, you know? Like the sun when it touches the horizon as it sets—did I ever tell you about the weird atmospheric optics of that?”
“…”
“What’s wrong?”
“You really need to ask that?”
“Hey, hey. Come on. There’s no need for that. It’s okay.”
“You need to ask why I’m upset that the last year of the three years where we dated you wanted to kill yourself—”
“That’s not what I said.”
“—that you were hoping for an incurable illness—I can’t believe you’d say that to me—and, and, and that almost a year after we dated, you’re in a better place? And you’re fucking telling me that there’s no need for this? That what, my reaction is overblown right now?”
“Hey now, I was just being honest.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“Look, look, look. Hey now… I mean come on. You’re in a better place too, right? You’re dating What’s-Their-Name now. And I’m sure they love you in all the ways that I just couldn’t for you, and then some. Right?”
“That doesn’t make it easier to hear someone I still care about just unload this shit on me.”
“No, I suppose not.”
“…”
“…”
“Was it me?”
“What?”
“The way you felt like this. Was it me?”
“Of course not.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me before?”
“I don’t know. Stoicism or something. I tried reading Meditations at the time, I think. I thought I could handle it. And you know, we were far apart then; we’d just starting distance. You’d just started your job, and I didn’t want you to worry. But no, it wasn’t you. Honestly, I’m scared what would have happened without the crutch of your love.”
“…”
“…”
“Why couldn’t you love me back? I told you that I loved you three times in three years. Do you know how much courage that took? To bare my heart like that to you and have it swatted from me away each time? Do you know how much courage that took the third fucking time, how brave I had to be? Hoping, just hoping, that maybe you’d say it back. But… no. Do you remember that third time? We were in your bed, cuddling, and I was shaking.”
“Yeah, because I kept my A.C. at like 63 degrees and you were cold.”
“No, you idiot. Because I was so nervous! I was nervous and I was so scared that you’d do exactly what you did.”
“I don’t know why I couldn’t love you. I just… I don’t know, I just couldn’t. I—maybe I was in love with the idea of loving someone else, and there was no earthly way you could live up to that. I don’t know.”
“Someone else?”
“Not like that.”
“But it was like that—sort of, right?”
“Sort of.”
“I always knew it. Even if you never said anything.”
“…”
“…”
“You know I’m in love again, right? And it’s reciprocated.”
“I noticed. Being in love looks good on you. I’m happy you that are—you deserve to be loved like that.”
“And, you know, the more I think about it now, the more I realize I never actually loved you. Honestly, I’m not sure why I stuck around you that long.”
“Please don’t be spiteful.”
“I’m just being honest here.”
“Okay….”
“…”
“…”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t’ve said—”
“It’s okay. You probably should’ve at some point. Honestly, you’re right. It shouldn’t have gone on for so long. We both know that now. With the hindsight and some time.”
“I’m not…. Thank you.”
“For what?”
“I don’t know—for validating me, I guess.”
“Is that why you wanted to meet up? To be validated?”
“No. I set this up so I could see you. Because I still care about you more than even I realized. And I want you to stay in my life, whatever little bit that may be. Even if it’s just a few minutes at café when you’re passing through.”
“I do too.”
“I should go now. Let’s do this again sometime, but with less of whatever… this just was.”
“Sure. You got it.”
“Bye now.”
“Bye.… Wait! You forgot your tea.”