“I’m mad at you.”
“Good morning to you, too.”
“I’m serious.”
“How can you be mad at me? We literally only went to bed last night. You saw me all night, our heads were right next to each other, right on this here pillow. And look, there’s even a little of your drool on it.”
“I had a dream—”
“Oh my god…”
“—and guess what? You cheated on me.”
“You’re mad at me because I cheated on you in a dream?”
“Yes.”
“I’m going back to bed.”
“Hey. Talk to me. We talked about this. Sean? Sean. Pay attention. Fine, I’ll just take this until you talk to me.”
“Can I have the pillow back, please?”
“If we talk about why I’m upset, then sure.”
“There’s nothing to tal—hey! Don’t hit me with the pillow. What are you five?”
“You want to know what I’m going to do with it next? I’m going to suffocate your obtuse ass if you don’t talk to me about why I’m upset.”
“Literally, what is there to talk about? You’re mad at me for something I did not do. Last night, all we did was have sex and go to bed. The sex was great, and, notably, the sex was with you. Not someone else. With you. So what is there to talk about?”
“I want to talk about why I dreamed you cheated on me. Don’t you think it’s a bit of a problem that my subconscious is telling me to look out for your sleazy ass?”
“Sleazy? Girl, what? You’re the first person I’ve dated in like three years. You were the first person I had sex with in like over a year. Sleazy my sorry ass.”
“Your ass actually is not sorry. Very unapologetic, in fact. I haven’t heard no apology and we’ve been at this for what, ten minutes now?”
“Ten minutes? What planet do you live on?”
“This one! The one where my sleazy whore of a boyfriend is sleeping with my friends.”
“In your dreams! Your motherfucking dreams! And your friends? You think I want to fuck Tamara? Get out of here. Jesus H. Christ this is fucking ridiculous.”
“Babe. Don’t call me ridiculous. You know—”
“I didn’t call you ridiculous. I called this ridiculous. This situation. Whatever is fucking going on right now. Why don’t you date that pillow, huh? I bed you wouldn’t dream it wants to fuck your friends. Of course, it probably isn’t as good in bed as I am.”
“I don’t know about that… you’re pretty average in my experience.”
“Is the pillow average?”
“It’s not as bad as you might expect, actually….”
“Wait really? You’ve actually humped that thing?”
“Ummm… yeah. I have actually. I saw it on a movie and I thought I’d try it—it was much nicer than I was expecting.”
“What the—what is going on? Christ. Fine, fine, fine.… I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“I’m sorry I had sex with your friend in your dream. There. Okay? Do you forgive me?”
“I’ll forgive you if you make me breakfast.”
“How about I just buy us some Cinnabon? Then we’ll go to Target and I can buy my own god damn pillow.”