“What’s the sluttiest thing you’ve done?”
“Oh god—can we not.”
“C’mon. If you go, then I’ll go.”
“Yeah of course you’re going to go after I go. You aren’t getting this for free.”
“So what is it?”
“I—uh, umm—I slept with two different guys in one day…”
“Oh come on! That’s not that bad. Hasn’t every—”
“—it was at the same party.”
“Oh wow. That’s a little—uh—more impressive… logistically. When was this?”
“Don’t judge, but… when we were in high school.”
“Oh, you have to tell me who.”
“Well, Ryan was first, and then there was some cadet from the Academy. Which—I’ll just say—is a little bit weirder now that we’re older. Why was he at a fucking high-school party and why was he fucking a 17-year-old?”
“First off, I hear you, and we can unpack the best and brightest of the Air Force fucking teenagers, but Ryan? The one who is happily married to his husband now and like three adopted toddlers? That Ryan?”
“Yep. That Ryan.”
“I wonder if that’s when he knew…. Jesus Christ, I need a drink; you need one—a drink? God, I have so many questions: When was this? What party? Where was I?”
“Junior year. Some party Bobby threw, and I—ugh—think you were preoccupied at that exact moment.”
“Preoccupied with what?”
“More like preoccupied with who. If I recall correctly, you were having sex in your car with Justin.”
“Justin? What are you talking about? I never fucked Justin.”
“Don’t lie. I remember you told me the next day. You were like, ‘Sarah, I slept with Justin, last night.’ ‘Sarah, this isn’t going to be weird between us, right?’ ‘Sarah, I know you liked him, but it just happened.’ And on and on.”
“Sarah, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I never had sex with Justin. That did not happen.”
“Oh fuck you, Janice.”
“You know what? Fine. That’s it. I’m befriending you. I’ve been thinking about this for a while. You’re not good for me. You worsen my mental health. Me and my therapist have been talking about it and agree that I need to cut you out of my life.”
“What? I’m hearing some mixed signals here. You want to befriend me but also cut me out of your life?”
“No, I want to befriend you so I can cut you out of my life.”
“Do you see why you sound fucking crazy, Janice?”
“No.”
“Befriending someone means you make friends, not un-friend them, you fucking idiot. The next thing you’re going to tell me is that beheading someone means you’re giving them a fresh head.”
“One, I don’t think that is making your point, and two, no need to be such a bitch. I’m leaving now. I know you had sex with him. I remember it!”